Loose baggy pants, yellowish white shirt, unkempt receding hair, head stooped down, dull eyes that looked over the spectacles, a bag on the shoulders - a shadow of depression, of unknown hatred and of uncertain confusion.
The shadow cycled the roads, everyday. The house to the school and back, to tuition centers, to special classes, to church, to Sunday school, to hospital … the shadow was diseased. Tied and fettered. It thought nothing was free; that everything had an investment, an amount to be paid – one liked it or not. Actually, it never thought. It was made to think. It was always shown an ideal to look up to. Whatever it did was practiced. It had lost its ability to create and think for itself. The shadow literally lost its source of existence and creativity. It became what it was projected – a shadow.
But the shadow had a dream, a hope. The more it was subjected unto, the more it dreamt of freeing itself from the projection. One day the shadow unfettered itself. It moved away, without any reason it escaped. It went in search of its identity – its self but it had lost it, forever.
The shadow had dreamt of fleeing free into the skies. Now it is captured in the maze of words inside four walls, stuck between a chair and a desk, in front of a screen – glued, its fingers danced according to many tunes. And it thought it dreamt freely.
The shadow now thinks it has realized its dream. It has actually learnt how to transform into many shadows. Shadows for different surroundings, for very many reasons. It had lost its source forever. Perhaps, the source itself was just a shadow!
The shadow became what it is.
About Me
- 'lenny' DICKENS
- I - a 5 point someone, neither here nor there. I float between identities. Now, a research student at hyderabad university, I should ideally do research. I'm friendly, humble and sensitive. Too casual, easy-go-but-not-so-lucky, at times disinterested. mokka poduvaen-vanguvaen!
13 comments:
I love this post :)
Will make substantive comments once i get to thinking. This is one of those few posts which give u a deja-vu feeling.
Wow lenny...I liked it..
it gives an eerie feeling..
I wud have liked the post called something else though!
heh, thanks akshya: expecting yours.
'fil de biblios'- sorry, your name please ya... your profile access is denied!!!
thanks ya. and suggest a title, i think i'm really bad at it.
hey Lenny, it really is a very good effort! Interesting and all the better for its brevity. But I also agree that the title might have been something more forceful (don't ask me though, I am seriously lousy at the name game!).
Lenney dear... this is one of the best posts u've made. At one point I thought it was someone specific you where talking about. Then I felt each of one of us is a shadow. We all start with that dream to be free, to have an identity... and then somehow end up as shadows...
Real good post!!
thanks Anita: for your sweet suggestion and escape. I'll think about it,though.
Sheeja, thank you. you've been quite lucid about your comments on any posts. And yeah, thanks for the encouragement.
I really liked the post but was disappointed with the message. Maybe you never intended to send out any message but I would like to share a few thoughts.
I am not sure if it is possible but sometimes I earnestly wish to escape from the modernist portrayal of a fragmented person whose existence solely depends upon portrayals, descriptions and definitions. Your shadows come really close to Eliot's Hollow Men and the characters in "Preludes". While it may not be possible to escape the shadows around us or to stop people from identifying us in relation to others, we are free to choose the "shadows" that suit us and alter their dimensions in ways that render meaning to our lives. Here again, meaning signifies what we individually consider meaningful and worthwhile and I believe we are free to do that provided we are not afraid to desert the trodden path.
Trying to be optimistic. The modernist trends are behind us and though there is a sense of desolate romance about it which we (including myself) often fall for, I think we should think about newer ways to approach the topic of our identities. The millions of mules out there make no effort to think about all this (they have neither time, nor the faculty of thought and analysis ). But the few among us who have them should make others aware of newer ways of "dressing up"
We are still confined, but we can bend the four walls to a shape of our choosing. The walls are not the concrete ones of the modernist era any more.
dear Gogo,
thanks for your passionate response. I'm with you. however, I'm rather concerned about your assumptions and I really need a clarification. you have mentioned:
'meaning signifies what we individually consider meaningful and worthwhile and I believe we are free to do that provided we are not afraid to desert the trodden path'.
Now what is 'Individual'about this? don't you think even the individually considered meanings have a structural back up?: for it may have connections with your cultural, economical, social and political institutions.
and I'm interested by the phrase 'if we are not afraid': wow, you didn't use 'confident' and i understand it because fear and anxiety is inevitable in any aspect of individuality. (i would have preferred 'fear-less') now, why should we have fear?
fear of our own 'shadows' perhaps!!!
btw, there is nothing modernistic about my piece, I was just questioning the essential image of a modern-all-confident-man.
Yeah, like i mentioned, you might not have been trying to include modernist elements, but the characters(shadows) appeared strikingly modernist to me.
By choosing things that appear meaningful to us, I meant we have the choice to decide what each of us find meaningful and worthwhile and are free to live our lives in keeping with those choices. Of course, most of what we choose or find meaningful have various ramifications (social, cultural, economical) but they need not be part of the dominant/mainstream "choices" which are imposed upon us and which reduce us to a negligible speck amidst the nameless, faceless sea of shadows with nothing to distinguish one from another.
You have the option of studying all the paths in front of you and have the choice to follow any one or a mix and match of apparently diverse things which, when brought together, hold some meaning for you if not for the rest of the world. You can create a rainbow without essentially following the "VIBGYOR" pattern. This, I believe, is an expression of individuality if not uniqueness. You weigh all your options, select those that you agree with and create your path of life. I know you will say that still doesn't free us from existing structures, but we have altered their shapes in our own ways. A total rejection of everything and creation of a new order is a herculean task and very few people might be capable of that.
This mixing and matching brings humanity face to face with the fear of treading uncharted territory. The fear is not so much of our own shadows but of shadows of uncertainty, rejection, stigma and retributions. If this fear can be overcome, an achievable freedom from the clutches of constructed identities is possible.
Absolutely, I agree.
World is so big, different, diverse and huge that very few amongst us have the possibility and opportunity to learn about it.
Even 'the particular' signifies many different meanings to a person so much so that very few know about it.
caught between this many straddle as others' shadows.
however, when we think about what we know and the confidence that emerges, we might probably question the aspects of individuality, modernity and rationality. they create shadows - which we are proud of. a bundle of shadows IS also a shadow! and no one is sad about it.
actually we celebrate being shadows. for there is no feeling, no pain and no sense.
I believe even uncertainty is growth because its a sign of change, one is not stable at least. after all, who is certain of anything?
anyway, i share/believe a lot of things that you've shared, however, I'm also worried that only few of us can access the elite assumptions that we share. and that's sad!
Hai Lenny!
Enjoyed reading it and I think, everybody could identify with Shadow. A Good Attempt, indeed! ...somehow, I find it to be more poetic.
Vims
thanks Vimala, for your encouragement.
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